Footy's Boys Club Herald Sun 28 February 2022 'Violence Attitudes Still Fail'


It’s no secret that my 25-year-old sister Vicki was murdered by her ex-boyfriend in 1987 and that I condemned the manslaughter verdict, and the three years and 11 months’ gaol sentence, as a violation of Vicki’s human rights. That experience however, isn’t the only reason I continue to rail about violence against women. Despite about 60 women a year being killed by vengeful men, overwhelmingly in the context of separation, and rape and violence being massively under-reported, everywhere you look, there are men wrapping their arms around blokes accused of stalking or hurting women.
Unfortunately, this blind-sightedness has a long history. In 1996 I was the only football ‘identity’ who took exception to AFL player agent Ricky Nixon telling journalists, ‘the boys are too scared to go out at night’ after his client, Wayne Carey, was facing charges of grabbing a woman on the breasts in Melbourne’s CBD. My sarcastic retort, ‘too right, Ricky – King Street after dark, or anywhere else where these modern Vikings act out those ancient rituals, can be a scary place’ might not have pleased Ricky, but he should have expected it.
It was the same old story when a 19-year-old university student made sexual assault allegations against St Kilda player, Stephen Milne in 2004. That coach Grant Thomas would tell a media scrum, ‘it will galvanise us, it's going to make us all better, it's going to make us all stronger’ was astounding. If an allegation of rape against one its players could galvanise a team, what did it say about the status of women in the society? That they are all liars?
In some quarters, the St Kilda victim was derided as the woman ‘who cried rape’ after feeling guilty about having sex with two men on the one night. Nothing could have been further from the truth, which was that the woman never consented to sex with Milne. In November 2014, 10 years after the woman in question was ridiculed across the football landscape, Milne was fined $15,000 without conviction after pleading guilty to indecent assault. It wasn’t exactly what the woman had wanted but is was a profound vindication of her story, and surely shamed those who dismissed her a decade earlier.
Six months before Milne pleaded guilty to indecent assault, Mike Sheahan waded into the story of men’s violence against women when he asked former AFL star, Alan Stoneham - on his Open Mike program – how his adopted son’s conviction for murder had impacted on him. James Stoneham had deliberately stabbed his ex-girlfriend Adriana Donato in the neck and been sentenced to 14 years in gaol. ‘There are no winners in this, we are all victims,’ his father said. In my opinion, that comment was exceedingly hurtful to the real victims, Adriana and her family, and should not have gone to air. How different the Foxtel interview might have looked had Mike asked Adriana’s mother Grace about her loss or asked me how such an interview might impact on families who have lost a woman to men’s violence.
Telling the truth about men’s violence doesn’t mean we can’t forgive. But how can we forgive men who refuse to accept responsibility for their attacks on or stalking of women. Did Ben Cousins say ‘I am sorry for stalking my ex’ before he was feted at the Brownlow and Kevin Sheedy tweeted, ‘Great to hear an absolute Champion of our great game Ben Cousins is alive and well and is attending this year’s Brownlow Night and back in the AFL arena where he belongs. Enjoy the night mate. I sure enjoyed coaching against you’? Were people more outraged by Wayne Carey having consensual sex with a teammate’s wife than the claim by Kate Neilson that he glassed her? Carey told me he threw wine at Kate and that it was wrong, but he insisted that he wasn’t attempting to stab her. Last week Kate repeated her allegation.
Imagine if Kevin Sheedy had tweeted ‘Great to see Ben Cousins at the Brownlow but I don’t want you to think I am making light of the stalking charges he faced in court. Every club has an obligation to teach its players what respectful relationships and gender equality looks like and to campaign to stop violence against women.’ Or if some other elder of the game had aped Daniel Andrews’ words after the George Pell High Court ruling and tweeted: ‘I see you. I hear you. I believe you, Kate.’ We’ve come a long way over the past 30 years, but there is still a long way to go.